Day 31..

Why do I feel this way? I told myself and warned myself not to but why?

I have everything I need. All my needs and wants. All of it....

But why?

You didn't contact me for a nice amount of time. I know deep down inside that you are just using as a play toy. A play toy when you are bored our of your depts. I'm nothing more than that.


I hate it this way.


In order to get rid or the reason of my natural pride. I played cool, cool, cool. I avoid sounding to excited when you call me out for a drink, tried to deny all the calling of yours, avoiding text messaging you in my free time. All those isn't as easy as you think.

I know I should try to get what I truly want but I'm too proud to do so.


When you didn't contact me for a long amount of time. I thought you finally got tired of me and so I prayed that time will mend all the wounds of mine, done by your simple words. But how can time heal that? For they are too deep.

I felt normal again even though that scars that still on me, urging to break open again. I kept what I can, but all my efforts are useless.


When that text message arrived.

I got a church trip u wan?

I tried my most hard to deny but wait a second.. Church? What can go wrong?

I accepted her offer. With a fake coolness I put on, I replied her. With a favourable answer. One that I regretted.


Deep down inside, I know I wanted to go with her. I really do....


But NO. I'm not a play toy. I'm not a weak girl. I'm a women.


Be a women, do the RIGHT thing.



My mind is crumpling. I'm not sure what's causing it.

A light blub lighted, and I got it.



The first day of school. Getting the friends I least expect to go. The determination to change to her school which soon wore off. But came again.

She was my idolic friend. She had everything I wanted. She had done everything I wanted.


I shook of that thought I'm not that kind of idiotic girl.


That hidden weakness was brought upon by her. That hidden desire that I kept so well in my heart.


Was now back.


And already have taken over me.

I'm turning back into that stupid play toy. Things are going in a circle and I'm right back at the start.

I hate it.


I don't want it.


The feeling of falling right back into Satan's temptation but now in a different form.


The desire borned in the holidays.

The hidden desire brought up. In the holidays.


Holidays.....

Have you every seem to be as good as it seems?


Pika.. Pika... Pikacu! ( Text message tone )